i'm not vain...

do you ever wonder what you look like?

no...i mean what you really look like. like...to other people. i wonder that sometimes. i had this conversation with my friend, karla. and you know...i'm sure i see something totally different in the mirror than other people see. i want to know what they see when they look at me. what do i really look like? and do i look different to different people?

do they see someone that appears to have it all together? or do they see that i don't really have a clue? do they see a confident woman or a scared little girl? do they see a poor girl in her mid-twenties that couldn't get a date if she paid for it? or do they just see one of the guys? am i ugly? pretty? too fat? too short? too this? too that? maybe the truth is...i'm a little bit of all of that. maybe i'm a walking contradiction.

i think the greater question here is...why do i care? it's not that it really matters what i look like...i'm just curious as to how others see me. how far off is my image of myself from everyone else's image of me? and how does that compare with how i want to be viewed? because truth be known...i really don't care what i look like. i'm never going to be pamela anderson or rachael leigh cook or lana lang. i'm just going to have to make the best of what i have...and be happy with it. and one day, somebody is going to love me for who i am and not what he wants me to look like...i just hope that happens sometime in the next 20 years so i can enjoy it before the alzheimer's sets in.