have heart my dear, we're bound to be afraid...

it’s times like these that those strong arms wrapped around you in a comforting embrace are so important. or just someone to grab your hand and hold on to you in a ‘everything is going to be okay’ kind of way. or a shoulder to cry on when you’re shaking and scared and alone…sitting in the parking lot holding the phone in the middle of the night, unsure of what to do next. those things are all so important and you don’t know how much you miss having them until you don’t.

it’s a strange thing…how quickly our priorities can change. we can go from wondering how late we’re going to sleep the next day to whether or not our friend will even be there with us for the next five minutes. a night spent in the emergency room can help you sort some things out. it can also complicate some things. seventeen or so hours gives you a few spare minutes to do some thinking.

what if we wouldn’t have gone to the ER yesterday? what if she would’ve put it off just one more day? she could’ve died. and she’s in CCU right now under close surveillance. what if they can’t fix this? i’m so scared for her. she’s already been through so much. i can’t imagine what she must be feeling right now. she’s so scared. she just keeps saying over and over…’i could die. i could just die right now. any minute.’ what am i supposed to say to that?

i’ve been in a daze all day. it’s like it’s not real. the drive to the hospital yesterday. the countless hours spent in the waiting room. the people there. spending the night in the ER last night. waking up there this morning. the nurses and doctors and monitors and tubes….they’re all just figments of my imagination, right?

maybe i’m just delirious from the 4 hours of sleep i got last night…or maybe i just need a hug. maybe i need someone to realize that i’m sitting here crying my eyes out because i’m scared and i can’t do anything. and i just need someone to be here for me.