done with fish.

sometimes you want something for so long, and you become so fixated on finding it that it begins to own you. and once that happens, you no longer belong to yourself, but to that thing…to that longing…to that obsession. and maybe you don’t set out for this to happen…it’s actually quite the opposite. you’ve probably set out on your journey in search of freedom. and somewhere along the way, your search begins to own you.

so what do you do when you find yourself in such a predicament?

you let it go.

which is what i am having to learn how to do. and it’s actually quite difficult. it’s hard to know that the one thing you’ve always wanted is just beyond your reach and yet never be able to grasp it. it’s extremely hard to have that space in your life just aching to be filled and no one that wants to fill it. it’s so very difficult to have so much love in your heart and no one to give it to. no one that wants it.

and it’s that sense of rejection that causes me to close my tear-filled eyes, broken-hearted at night…and i just can’t do it anymore. i’m sick of feeling worthless and not good enough when i know that i am. i know i’m better than how i feel and i don’t understand what’s wrong with me.

i know that God has someone perfect picked out for me. i know He’s got someone that’s all of the things on my list and then some. and i know that he’s right where he needs to be right now. and i know i’m right where i need to be right now. and i know that when the time is right, we’ll be together and everything will be exactly how God has planned it. but even though i know that, the stubborn and impatient little girl in me still questions why that time can’t be right now. and that’s why i get so mad at myself. i get so mad because it’s like i haven’t learned anything in 25 flippin years. why can’t i just wait? why does it have to be right now?

i guess i just want to feel needed. and loved. and i’m scared to death that i never will be.

now, don’t get me wrong…i don’t feel like i have to have somebody to be happy. because despite my gloom & doom blog rantings, i am a fairly happy person. i like my life. i just think it would be nice to have someone to share it with…that’s all.

“now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” ~ Hebrews 11:1…you see, i’m trying to work on this whole faith thing because here lately i seem to be lacking in that department. so, i have to let this go. and i really mean it. i can’t worry about it anymore. i have to give it to God completely instead of partially like i have in the past. i know i can’t control it and i have to stop trying.

so, do you hear that, mister man of my dreams? i’m done. this one is between you and God. because i can’t do it anymore. and i’m not going anywhere…so you know where to find me. just please don’t make me wait forever.