gloriousrandomness

Thursday, September 30, 2004

so lay down, the threat is real

do you think it’s possible? possible to erase someone from your memory? maybe not erase them in the literal sense of deranged little men sneaking into your room at night to hook computers and wires up to your head to suck the memories out, but to just literally push the person out of your mind forever?

i think it’s quite possible indeed. i think that one of the greatest gifts we were given by our creator was the gift of memory. the absolute greatest being of course, the ability to love…and the desire for that love to be reciprocated. but memory…that’s a pretty cool one, too. and i think that since we were given the ability to remember certain people, places, and occurrences, we were also given the ability to forget them if we choose to do so.

there will always be things in your life that you wish you could re-live, but that’s not always the best choice. sometimes, the very best thing you can do is to learn from the past and be thankful for the experiences that you’ve had because those experiences make you who you are today. years spent obsessing over past mistakes or heartaches will just be futile attempts to search for something you’re never going to find. the only way to true happiness is to accept the past and move on…because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

now…i’m not saying don’t go apologize to someone if you’ve wronged them in the past and you know you owe them an apology. i’m just saying don’t spend your life waiting for an apology from someone that ‘owes it’ to you and don’t spend your life in a bitter state of hatred for that person either.

that being said, love the people who are in your life. embrace them and love them with all your heart. let them know how much they are loved and appreciated. and don’t ever let anything come between you and those special relationships in your life. if someone hurts you, do everything you can to make it right…don’t take the ‘easy’ road out and try to block that person out of your mind and your life. if you do, you will be making a monumental mistake. special people and special relationships don’t come along every day and even though they are very strong, they are also extremely fragile. treasure them and protect them…you might not realize just how valuable they are to you until they’re gone.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

...i've just come to read the meter

ah...so it's been a fairly normal day. normal if you include the kid that peed on my office floor and the 11 year old that asked me 'how do you know when it's the right time to have sex?'...and lest we forget the laborious hours upon hours spent 'mentoring' the 'graduate' student intern that is under my direct supervision this year. he just doesn't quite get it.

so, you guessed it...this entry is about sex. when the little girl asked me 'how do you know when it's the right time?', i asked her...'the right time for what?' (i'm thinking surely she doesn't mean sex)...but alas...she does. i immediately want to tell her that sex should come with an age limit...like alcohol and cigarettes....you should have to be at least 18 years old - preferrably older. i also want to tell her that you should not have sex unless you are emotionally stable...this of course, would rule out the whole entire world....because really, are any of us really emotionally stable? (insert angry girl commentary here)

of course, i refrained from exposing my true self to this child. instead, i gave her a typical, safe...social work-ish answer. i thought this would do, until i realized that she still had a blank look on her face and i didn't feel any better about what i had just told her. so, at this point...i decide to throw all social work skills out the window and just tell them (she came back with reinforcements) what i know from my experience as a female.

i told them that 12 year old boys only think about one thing. their main agenda is to find a girl that will have sex with them so that they can tell their friends. and they will do and say anything in order to make that happen. they're not necessarily out to hurt you on purpose...it's just how they're programmed. and it doesn't get any better when they are 13 or 16 or 22 for that matter. i told them that 12 year old boys do not know what love is and if they tell you that they love you, then they are liars. and no matter how much you may want them to love you, having sex with them won't make it true. i told them that there is a whole world outside of the halls of their school and once they get out there and discover it, they will be so glad they didn't fall for the stupid lines these guys are trying to feed them. i told them that there are good christian guys out there that will respect them and love them for who they are and will want to be with them because they said no instead of using them up because they said yes and leaving them alone to pick up the pieces and start over again. and these good guys...these are the ones they'll really want to be with...these are the guys they'll want to spend the rest of their lives with...these are the keepers. nobody wants the guy that doesn't care about anyone but sleeps with everyone who will let him just because she's there...that's gross. there is more to a relationship than just sex...there should be anyway; otherwise it won't last very long or be very happy. a relationship is an emotional attachment between 2 people...you have to spend time together and become friends before you can become emotionally attached. sex doesn't automatically make that attachment for you. if done out of order, it forms attachments in all the wrong ways and leaves you to figure out what to do about it. i told them they are the only ones that will be able to make the call about when it's the 'right' time for them...i just hope that they use good judgement and i hope that it's a long long long time from now...preferrably when they have a ring on their finger, ya know?

after i launched in to this lecture, i realized there was a great possibility they were totally tuning me out as the old nerdy woman that didn't have a clue...but when i was done one of them actually hugged me and said thanks for being so cool and telling us something that we can actually use. kind of makes me remember what prompted me to change my major that 3rd time.

how ironic. the chronically single girl giving advice on sex & relationships....wonder what's next?

so i had a really great post written...it took me well over an hour. guess what? i got ready to post it and the whole page froze. i got mad and kicked the desk...said a few ugly things to the screen. it didn't make my words magically reappear. so now...the crappy entry will have to do. me and my prehistoric earth computer.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

i'm not vain...

do you ever wonder what you look like?

no...i mean what you really look like. like...to other people. i wonder that sometimes. i had this conversation with my friend, karla. and you know...i'm sure i see something totally different in the mirror than other people see. i want to know what they see when they look at me. what do i really look like? and do i look different to different people?

do they see someone that appears to have it all together? or do they see that i don't really have a clue? do they see a confident woman or a scared little girl? do they see a poor girl in her mid-twenties that couldn't get a date if she paid for it? or do they just see one of the guys? am i ugly? pretty? too fat? too short? too this? too that? maybe the truth is...i'm a little bit of all of that. maybe i'm a walking contradiction.

i think the greater question here is...why do i care? it's not that it really matters what i look like...i'm just curious as to how others see me. how far off is my image of myself from everyone else's image of me? and how does that compare with how i want to be viewed? because truth be known...i really don't care what i look like. i'm never going to be pamela anderson or rachael leigh cook or lana lang. i'm just going to have to make the best of what i have...and be happy with it. and one day, somebody is going to love me for who i am and not what he wants me to look like...i just hope that happens sometime in the next 20 years so i can enjoy it before the alzheimer's sets in.

so let me in your world...for a while

so...i'm a cheater. i'm officially cheating on diary-x. it's not that i don't love d-x, but i'm not good with templates and all...and i've really screwed mine up as of late. i decided to type a new entry last night since my last one was in FREAKING JANUARY! and anyway...the counter was messed up...now the text is all messed up...etc, etc. so as i'm cursing the whole d-x world and all things related to it...i'm thinking i really need to find something new....either xanga or a blog or something. SOMETHING has to be easier than this....right?

and then...i get home today and check my email and what do ya know? my good friend tells me that he now has a blog. and so i go read it and am immediately intimidated. he's so good. and intelligent. AND funny. how does one person get to be all of those things? and i'm intimidated because i know i'm going to get a blog and it will never be as good as his. it will never be anywhere close. actually, the only real reason i wanted a blog is so i can make comments on his blog. how sad is that? my blog actually sucks that bad...that it shouldn't even exist. wow.

so, that being said...no one will probably ever read this. with the exception of my friend that inspired it's birth. and if he ever does read it, it will probably either be out of pity or because he needs a good laugh. hey...i do what i can.