we're still building, then burning down love

we’re all busy, right? there’s smallville to watch, friends to call, back issues of rolling stone to catch up on, concerts to attend, movies to watch, road trips, homework?, (not to mention all of the stuff that we’re supposed to do)…and the list just goes on and on…

i seriously don’t know how any of us have time to even sleep. as a matter of fact, if we wouldn’t drop dead from exhaustion…we probably wouldn’t make time for sleep, either.

i know, i know…no one needs proof to believe that we are all busy. my question is: with everything that God has provided to keep us entertained and occupied, are we giving enough of our time back to Him?

now, i don’t mean are we spending time in a soup kitchen or behind a counselor’s desk. i don’t mean are we handing out clothes at the salvation army or teaching a sunday school class. all of these things are awesome and they are exactly what God wants us to do…

…but, just because we have a ministry and are spending time with that ministry doesn’t mean that our relationship with Christ is growing or benefiting in any way. just because we are involved in a ministry doesn’t mean we have the ‘get out of sunday school free’ card. we shouldn’t get so wrapped up in ‘our’ own ministries and work for God that we forget about our own spiritual walk. we should ask ourselves daily: ‘what have i done today to strengthen my relationship with God?’ or ‘have i spent enough time with God today?’ chances are the answer will always be no. we could always pray more. we could always do more. we could always be more. because we were meant for more than the rest of the world. and all God desires is to be our friend. we are His children and He just wants to spend time with us. He just wants to love us and to hang out. why won’t we let him? the more time we spend in His Word and in prayer talking to Him and just in His presence will strengthen our relationship with Him and will in turn strengthen our ministry and bless our lives more than we could ever imagine!

• check out miss insanity's blog. very insightful. i just love this chick. http://www.joyfulinsanity.blogspot.com

i love the way you love, but i hate the way i'm supposed to love you back.

why are we as humans such selfish creatures by nature? why do we always want what we can’t have or don’t need? and why do we take advantage of other people and take each other for granted?

because as an intelligent friend so eloquently implied, humans are inherently evil. we are evil & selfish by nature when we are influenced by the wicked world.

see, i’ve always been what people call a ‘dreamer’. i’ve always believed in the inherent ‘good’ in people and believed in fairytales and romance and blah blah blah. and i guess that starry-eyed girl is still in there somewhere…she’s just become a bit jaded lately due to some ‘unfortunate events’. i would like to believe that there is still some good left in people, and that it’s possible for people to appreciate each other and love each other and get along with each other, etc. (i would also like to believe that the frog who lives outside my front door would magically turn into dave gimenez one day and lay a big fat kiss on me and ask me to run away with him where we would live happily ever after somewhere on the tooth & nail touring circuit…getting married somewhere along the way and acquiring several children…) but i digress…

we use people for our own benefit until we use them up and then we move on. that’s not the way God intended for us to live. we are here to love each other and be living examples of Him and His love. if everyone would give to others instead of only taking, then no one would feel ‘used up’ because everyone would be constantly replenished. but, ‘the world’ tells us that we should only be concerned with ourselves and let others fend for themselves. and we listen…even as Christians. i have heard the phrase ‘you better believe i’m gonna get mine’ or some variation of it so many times that it seriously makes me physically ill. i mean….whatthacrap?

we take and we take and we take. and what ends up happening is, the people that actually do care and love and give end up getting hurt, used, abused, and thrown away. and eventually…those people will cease to exist.

i think it’s time that we all re-examine our lives (myself included) and stop taking advantage of others and taking people for granted. we should pray that God will teach us how to be givers instead of just takers. and that we will learn to be thankful for everyone that is special in our lives…whether they be family, friends, church family, co-workers, schoolmates, teammates, band mates, complete strangers, or whatever. take the time to appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. and learn how to show your appreciation in ways that will be appreciated right back!

and yes…i’m talking to myself here.

they know how to break all the girls like you

it’s an interesting thing: advice. we’re all eager to give it, but not so eager to receive it sometimes. well, i take that back…we’re eager to receive it if we ask for it. it’s the unsolicited advice that’s hard to swallow sometimes.

what makes this advice so hard to stomach is knowing the motives behind it. if they were pure, the advice would be welcomed with open arms. but, when someone offers advice under the guise of helpfulness when they actually have a self-serving agenda…well, i just don’t know what to make of that.

i mean…what good does that really do? it’s not helping anyone. all it does is breed confusion, hurts feelings, and possibly ruins friendships. none of which anyone wants.

now, i’ll be the first to admit that you can’t help how you feel. i am a textbook example of the heart never contacting the brain…EVER. but sometimes, you have to look at things realistically and see that letting your feelings get in the way can cause major problems. i mean, there are things that i want, but know are impossible for me to have and if i pursued those things, i would be minus some friends right now. but never, would i ever pretend to be someone’s friend just because i perceived them as a threat to what i want. nor would i offer ‘helpful’ advice to remove them from the situation so i would have better access to what i want.

girls are so petty and ridiculous sometimes. and people wonder why my best friends are guys.

i don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack...

i am fascinated with old things. they don’t really have to be of any value. i’m not talking like ‘antiques roadshow’ stuff here. i just mean anything old. i always have been. i think it has something to do with my level of curiosity being a little higher than the average person’s. i will buy junk that i don’t need just because it’s old and looks cool. even if i don’t have a place to put it or i know i will never use it in a million years. or if i don’t buy it, i will have the overwhelming urge to really bad…just because it’s old and i really really THINK that i might possibly need it someday.

so, today some friends and i go to antique alley and look around in a few shops for a couple of hours. i could do that all the time. i’m certain there is a story behind everything i pick up. and i want to know what it is. everything there was a part of someone’s life at some point. what was that person like? were they nice? mean? beautiful? rich? sad? lonely? who were they? did they have lots of family and friends? were they ever in love?

every piece of clothing could tell a story. every record holds some memory. every plate, glass, blanket, gun, trinket, toy…they all meant something to somebody at some point. who wore that letter jacket? that soldier’s uniform? that party dress?

my mind was just racing all day with elaborate stories of love, heartache, family, happiness…life. the stories in my mind couldn’t keep up with what my eyes were seeing. i had so many questions about the things that were there…and no one with answers.

but even with all of the questions that these fascinating treasures presented to me today, only one still lingers with me. will the stuff i had in my life end up in some dusty old store one day for people like me to rummage through? i don’t want my life to be reduced to that. now, if someone wants all of my crap when i’m gone…whatever…they can have it. cause i mean, i know i have accumulated LOTS of random useless junk over the years…i think the ability to do that goes along with having my last name. but what i think our trip down someone else’s memory lane today has reminded me of the most is…i have to make my life count now because once i’m gone all that will be left is some ugly clothes and crappy cds. so, i’m going to make a conscious effort to do more. to be more. to be who i should be and do the things i should do and make things count. i’m going to try to stop being so selfish and focus on my reason for being here in the first place.

but my dreams, they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be...

me: why don’t you want to talk today?

5 yr old: (shrugs shoulders)

me: am i scary?

kid: (laughs) no…you’re not scary.

me: hmm…ok, well…(thinking to myself….)

him: …but your eyes are.

me: what? what’s scary about my eyes?

kid: because they are blue.

(seriously?)

• so there ya go.
• I have scary blue eyes.
• THAT’S why boys don’t like me.
  

you are young & life is long & there is time to kill today...

how much of our lives are wasted? how much time do we throw away on pointless things? and how often do we just not care?

last sunday, i watched 5 episodes of smallville. 6 if you count the one i watched twice and 6 ½ if you count the ½ of an episode that i had to re-watch because i fell asleep. it doesn’t get much more worthless than that.

AND i slept until noon on saturday.

one would think that a young, single woman would have more to do than sit around and lust over…um i mean, stare at tom welling *sigh* or a denzel flick or some gruesome video game that my friends are obsessed with playing (and i’m inexplicably mesmerized by).

and yes – i do have things to do. i could clean my apartment. i could clean my truck. i could read a book. or my Bible. visit a friend in jackson. or alexandria. visit my family. study. there are millions of things i could have been doing this weekend, but instead i chose to go to football games, stare at a tv screen, and sleep. i am officially extremely lazy.

and it feels oh so good.

and sometimes a girl just needs that.

done with fish.

sometimes you want something for so long, and you become so fixated on finding it that it begins to own you. and once that happens, you no longer belong to yourself, but to that thing…to that longing…to that obsession. and maybe you don’t set out for this to happen…it’s actually quite the opposite. you’ve probably set out on your journey in search of freedom. and somewhere along the way, your search begins to own you.

so what do you do when you find yourself in such a predicament?

you let it go.

which is what i am having to learn how to do. and it’s actually quite difficult. it’s hard to know that the one thing you’ve always wanted is just beyond your reach and yet never be able to grasp it. it’s extremely hard to have that space in your life just aching to be filled and no one that wants to fill it. it’s so very difficult to have so much love in your heart and no one to give it to. no one that wants it.

and it’s that sense of rejection that causes me to close my tear-filled eyes, broken-hearted at night…and i just can’t do it anymore. i’m sick of feeling worthless and not good enough when i know that i am. i know i’m better than how i feel and i don’t understand what’s wrong with me.

i know that God has someone perfect picked out for me. i know He’s got someone that’s all of the things on my list and then some. and i know that he’s right where he needs to be right now. and i know i’m right where i need to be right now. and i know that when the time is right, we’ll be together and everything will be exactly how God has planned it. but even though i know that, the stubborn and impatient little girl in me still questions why that time can’t be right now. and that’s why i get so mad at myself. i get so mad because it’s like i haven’t learned anything in 25 flippin years. why can’t i just wait? why does it have to be right now?

i guess i just want to feel needed. and loved. and i’m scared to death that i never will be.

now, don’t get me wrong…i don’t feel like i have to have somebody to be happy. because despite my gloom & doom blog rantings, i am a fairly happy person. i like my life. i just think it would be nice to have someone to share it with…that’s all.

“now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” ~ Hebrews 11:1…you see, i’m trying to work on this whole faith thing because here lately i seem to be lacking in that department. so, i have to let this go. and i really mean it. i can’t worry about it anymore. i have to give it to God completely instead of partially like i have in the past. i know i can’t control it and i have to stop trying.

so, do you hear that, mister man of my dreams? i’m done. this one is between you and God. because i can’t do it anymore. and i’m not going anywhere…so you know where to find me. just please don’t make me wait forever.

if we were our defenses, i'd be joining you.

blog blog blog blog blog blog blog.

that’s what i see when i read other people’s blog’s. other people that i don’t know, of course. do other people see that when they read mine? do other people read mine?

don’t get me wrong, i enjoy delving off into other people’s lives, but as soon as they start talking about susie stealing jake from tabitha, or what flavor nutragrain bar they had for breakfast, i kind of lose interest…ya know…considering…’i don’t know those people’… (to steal a quote from a friend)

so, what’s the attraction? why do we put our innermost thoughts, dreams, stories, lies, our whole lives on this…robotic system to be exposed – naked for the world to see? why would we voluntarily do that to ourselves? and why would we want to read about the lives of complete strangers?

curiosity. to fill a void. and because computers don’t require a commitment. sad, but true. this is the sick, sick world in which we live.

there is no pain, you are receding

on the way to work today I was having one of my sporadic talks with God. as i was apologizing for not visiting with Him more often, i was in awe of how amazingly beautiful this morning was.

after thanking Him for that, i got around to what was really on my mind. a conversation with a friend last night caused me to have some major questions. questions that i’ve always had, but have been afraid to ask because i thought i was the only one that saw it. but now i know i’m not.

what is wrong with us? why are we all so ‘mildly depressed?’ and it’s not just me and my group of friends, either. although we have more than our share of it. it’s our whole generation. with no logical explanation.

i mean, what makes us so restless? what is it that’s brewing just underneath the surface? what is that little thing that everyone knows is there but no one wants to talk about? what burden is so great that we think we can handle it all on our own…only to drive ourselves to the point of insanity or worse? what is this thing that’s hanging over our heads…slowly sucking the life out of us? why are we suffocating in our own bodies? drowning in ourselves? what is killing me & my friends?

and are we really so blind that we don’t see it?

what makes a person think that the only answer is driving their vehicle off the road into a light pole? or putting a .45 to their temple? or someone else’s? what makes jumping off the golden gate bridge seem logical? or what makes us think that there is comfort waiting at the bottom of a bottle of valium, xanax, vodka, or a mixture of the three?

maybe it’s not comfort we’re after…maybe it’s just the numbness we seek. i don’t know. i don’t have the answers. obviously if i did, i wouldn’t be asking these questions and sounding like the poor, pathetic loser of a person that i feel like sometimes. maybe the truth is, we all feel like failures because we will never live up to the expectations that the world has set for us and we don’t know how to deal with that. i just don’t know.

whatever it is, it’s killing us. and if we don’t do something about it soon, it just might win.

how to get a man 101

“would you call a boy?” she asked.

“probably not,” i defeatingly replied.

“real women don’t like that honey,” she told him as she shook her head and glared disapprovingly.

“come over here and sit by me and i’ll tell you everything you need to know,” she tells me or anyone else that would take her up on the offer.

we all just sat there laughing…but for all practical purposes, we might as well have been catatonic.

“i just don’t know about you kids these days,” she says.

so, some friends and i got a lesson tonight in how to get a significant other. or at least i think we did. we got a lesson in something. about something. and i think it had to do with significant others. but i’m not really sure it was explanatory.

at any rate, i learned that i am not aggressive enough…and that men like that. i also learned that if it takes being aggressive in order to get a man, then i will probably never get one because i was always taught that ‘girls shouldn’t chase guys’ and it’s the ‘guys place to ask the girl out’ and blah blah blah…so it’s hard to unlearn 25 years of life’s lessons.

and i also learned that since i ‘turned out to be a dude’ that i’m destined to never be that girl that makes guys all flutterpated and turn into baby-talking piles of mush. and i guess i’m okay with that…as long as they let me play with their he-man toys.

do i have an original thought in my head?

you might find that i title these blogs with whatever lines from songs, books, or films that are in my head at the moment. you also might find yourself getting tired of the titles of my blog entries. just know that you are welcome to stop reading at any time and move on to the next piece of literary art that is posted on the world wide web for more gratifying reading enjoyment that is better suited to your tastes.

i write what i’m thinking at the time that i’m thinking it. i write it for me and for the pleasure of my audience…which right now is a consistent…one person. and that’s cool. whatever. i don’t care if nobody reads this rubbish. it’s just the thought that someone might…that makes me continue to write.

mothers are all slightly insane

“guess who i sat by at the football game, sara?”

“i don’t even want to know,” sara replied with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“caleb’s dad. i met caleb’s dad…and i sat by him during the entire football game!,” said the mom.

“holy crap. i don’t even want to know what you said…let’s just go. now!,” begged the wide-eyed, slightly embarrassed teenager.

on the way to the car the mother grabbed a man’s arm and to the teenager’s horror asked, “hey sara…do you know who this is? this is caleb’s dad!”

sara immediately burst into hysterical laughter as tears began to stream down her face. as she ran off into the crowd, she stumbled upon her friends who were immediately concerned.

‘sara? what’s wrong? can you breathe? where’s your mom?”

after explaining that her mother had embarrassed her beyond all embarrassment to the point of tears that night in front of the father of the only guy that matters in the universe, they were sympathetic of her situation. as they were helping her to the car, amid discussions of the possibility of her next 3 years of high school spent being home-schooled (because she could obviously never show her face in front of caleb again), who does she run in to? as fate would have it, she found herself staring into the eyes of boy-wonder himself.

after another mortified scream, she bolted away to the car where she found her mother waiting…oblivious to the public humiliation she had just suffered. as she was running off, she heard her friend say…”hey caleb! sara’s mom just met your dad!”

she wanted to just die right there.

it’s probably going to take a while to convince my little sister that my mom is not out to ruin her life…that she just wants to be a part of it. And she probably does indeed think that our mother is slightly insane. And i will probably not argue with her there…because we all are slightly insane. but she’s also a good mom. and she cares about her kids. she even brought me groceries today cause i’ve been sick all weekend. i hope i’m a good mom like that one day…and only slightly insane. i don’t have far to go on that insane part.

there's someone in my head but it's not me.

so it’s been a weird week. just when i thought everything was going good in my life, it all suddenly feels like the walls are closing in on me and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe every single minute. why is that?

could it be that i let it get past the point of repair when i first noticed the signs that something was wrong? or could it just be that i’m weak enough to believe everything the lunatic in my head is telling me? maybe it’s both.

i shouldn’t feel this way. i have 2 degrees and i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i am a train wreck of a girl. sometimes i wonder if i’ll be this way forever or if one day, i’ll suddenly be ok.

why does it seem impossible for me to just be content? why can’t i be happy with where i am now? why do i feel like there is something i’m missing out on? when will it ever just be ok?

i want to just give this all to God and stop worrying about it. i know there are people out there with much greater problems than mine. but…why is it so hard for me to let go? why do i feel the need to agonize over every single little detail of my life? i don’t have a problem with asking Him to take care of it…i just have a problem with loosening my grip. i think it all comes down to control. i want to control things that i have no control over and it kills me. it freakin kills me.

i’m hoping after reading this pitiful excuse of a blog, it will make me realize how pathetic i am and hopefully then i will stop feeling sorry for myself and make some changes. i guess we’ll all just have to wait and see.

and charles, i have to apologize…there is no humor or insight here…i should’ve warned you beforehand. sorry bout that.

may i come in, grab hold, just this once

so i was riding down the road with a friend this past weekend when he made a statement that really got me to thinking about some things. he said…’sometimes i don’t know why people want us to come places…we’re not what they want.’

now, that statement seems harmless enough…but looking at it in the context of where we were and what we were there for, i realized he was totally wrong. we were gathered together with a few people in the middle of nowhere for one reason only…and that reason was to bring glory to God.

we seemed to all have left our problems a million miles away. the day was perfect…the sky was gorgeous, and the speaking & music were spirit-filled. everything about that afternoon was absolutely beautiful. there is no doubt our Father was smiling as we worshipped Him together.

we are put in certain places at certain times in our lives to serve certain purposes. it doesn’t matter if we don’t think we’re ‘good enough’ or if we think ‘we’re not what they’re looking for’, we’re all part of a bigger plan. we have to be willing to stop fighting God and running from Him like rebellious children and just be still and listen to what He’s telling us to do. all He wants is for us to love Him and let Him love us. that’s all we have to do. if we do that, then everything else will fall into place. we just have to listen when He’s speaking…and sometimes He does that best in the stillest, quietest, most beautiful and unlikeliest of places.