lately i’m alright, and lately i’m not scared.

life is so crazy sometimes. it’s so amazingly wonderful and confusing.

not that any of my previous worries/complaints have been resolved or anything…i’m just not worried about them as much right now. i mean, i am still boyfriendless but somehow now that doesn’t seem so bad. i guess what i mean is…i don’t have the overwhelming feeling that i’m going to be alone forever. like maybe he’s really for real and doesn’t only exist in my dreams…

now, happy readers…before you go getting any crazy ideas, nothing drastic has happened to me. i guess i just decided to stop whining. i just decided to remind myself that true love really is real…and can sometimes be found in the most unlikely places. and that makes me smile.

hi, i'm in delaware.

so...i guess i thoroughly confused everyone with my last blog. haha. i love it. for clarification purposes...that wasn't addressed to anyone and it wasn't about anyone...and nothing drastic has happened to me to prompt that writing. i actually wrote it a long time ago and just had it saved. i had nothing else to post...so i posted that. see? mystery solved. we will all sleep better tonight, i'm sure.

i also have nothing of any value to say tonight so i won't waste your time. i'm tired and need to sleep. i bet the two people that actually read this are going to stop now...if they haven't already.

and i'd give up forever to touch you, cause i know that you feel me somehow...

i bet you think you know me. i bet you think you can randomly scroll through these posts and figure out who i am. i bet i’m that transparent…aren’t i?

i bet you’d love it if it were that easy.

does it ever cross your mind that there might possibly be more to me than these pages can hold? i’m not some digitally produced thing or image in your mind. i’m a real person. a real girl. with real feelings.

the things on this page are me…this is not brittney’s latest scantily clad heartbreaking love affair…or who was last spotted with colin farrell and blah blah blah my head hurts.

this is my frickin life…like it or not. rephrase – this is a tiny look into my life. read these posts, by all means. that’s what they’re here for. but, as you’re reading…keep in mind that there are things about me you will never learn from a computer screen. if you want to really get to know me, you will have to make an effort…spend some good old fashioned quality time with the girl…and STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. (it will rot your brain.)

and it's strange. they are basically the same so i don't ask names anymore.

“hey jessica.”
“hi sherry.”
"hey sandy."
“hey janice.”

~ every time i just answer, “hi j---. how are you?” and each time, it gets weirder and weirder. you would think after working with someone for almost 3 years, that they would finally learn your name. but apparently it has proven to be too difficult in this case.

so, as i was walking down the hall, wondering who i would be today…i ran in to j---. he says “hey jessica!” i’m like “hi, j---.” 2 hours later, he sticks his head in my office and says…”hey…your name is ---- - not jessica.” i’m like “really? ya think? what gave it away?” then he told me how much he liked my hair. everyone seems to like my hair these days…except the people that i really want to notice...

…so i guess i should start wearing my nametag to work?

why won't you just let this be your sun?

people don’t know what they want these days. we just aren’t ever satisfied with what we have…we always want more. or something else. we can’t be happy with what’s given to us…or provided for us. we just have to seek something else.

i guess it’s the whole ‘the grass is always greener’ philosophy…

everything looks better when someone else has it. why else would we want other people’s jobs, homes, clothes, vehicles, boyfriends/girlfriends, lives, etc? it’s behavior that’s learned from birth. think about it…a kid can have a toy that they absolutely hate. they never play with it, but when someone comes over to play with them and wants to play with the toy…they throw the worlds biggest tantrum because it is THEIR FAVORITE TOY and “no one is allowed to play with it!” aren’t we all like that?

we can have the best job…yet be unhappy and want something else. then, when we find a new job…we so desperately want the old one back because we realize how great it was. so what if the drive was longer than we liked and some things weren’t always fair there? it was still a great job.

and what about that great guy? the one you broke up with because he was ‘too nice’? how dumb was THAT? now all that’s out there are meanies and jerks. or what about the guy that you wouldn’t date because he wasn’t quite as cool as the guy you had the intense crush on? how much did it suck to later find out that your crush was a complete jerk and the guy that liked you was the greatest…only to find out that he was now happily in a relationship and ‘sooo over you’?

i’m so guilty of looking at things with ‘the grass is always greener’ view. sometimes i think i just need to look at the reality of things. in all actuality, i’ve been provided with everything and more than i could possibly ever need. it’s all right here. i got a fortune cookie a while back that said…’you find everything you’re looking for…just open your eyes’. at the time i got it, that was an extremely profound statement to me and i swore that cookie was meant exclusively for me. i kept that little slip of paper and put it where i would see it every single day. maybe we all need to be reminded of that sometimes…instead of wishing our lives away for things we don’t have or need…maybe we should just open our eyes and appreciate the things that are right here right now.

it always rains like hell on the loser's day parade...

have you ever had one of those days where it just seems like nothing goes right? where everything that happens just brings you a little farther down? well, my friends…today is that day. today is that stinking day. and i know i shouldn’t gripe, whine, fuss, complain, rant, etc…

…but, i’m so glad that i have friends who will let me do that when i need to. and who will put up with me sulking on the couch…or crying on the phone…or being ugly…or grumpy…or whatever. i guess when you worry about everything and you have a lot of different stressors, you don’t realize how much they build up…or what a toll it can take on you. add a pen-wielding state trooper to the mix…and it’s enough to make a girl break. i guess sometimes we think we’re a lot tougher than we really are.

so for what it’s worth…i’m sorry for acting like a stupid crybaby today. and i’m sorry for doing it so often…but thanks for letting me. i love you guys so much…i don’t know what i’d ever do without you.

you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time...what are you hoping for?

there’s a little frog that sits on my doorstep. he’s been there off & on since i moved in. no one else in my apartment complex has frogs on their doorsteps…only me. and he’s always there.

i wonder what he would say if he could talk? sometimes i have imaginary conversations with him in my head. i even speak to him as i’m unlocking the door on occasion. and sometimes i imagine him speaking back.

i’ve even caught myself thinking before…what if he really is my prince charming? and he’s sitting on my doorstep to protect me? then i realize how ridiculous that is. i mean…that is crazy, right? it’s just the little girl in me wanting the fairy tale to be true, i guess.

and i so desperately hope that it is. maybe not necessarily in such a literal sense of frogs on my doorstep turning into men, but just the whole idea of dreams coming true, ya know…

and i’ve got a good feeling that they do :)

have heart my dear, we're bound to be afraid...

it’s times like these that those strong arms wrapped around you in a comforting embrace are so important. or just someone to grab your hand and hold on to you in a ‘everything is going to be okay’ kind of way. or a shoulder to cry on when you’re shaking and scared and alone…sitting in the parking lot holding the phone in the middle of the night, unsure of what to do next. those things are all so important and you don’t know how much you miss having them until you don’t.

it’s a strange thing…how quickly our priorities can change. we can go from wondering how late we’re going to sleep the next day to whether or not our friend will even be there with us for the next five minutes. a night spent in the emergency room can help you sort some things out. it can also complicate some things. seventeen or so hours gives you a few spare minutes to do some thinking.

what if we wouldn’t have gone to the ER yesterday? what if she would’ve put it off just one more day? she could’ve died. and she’s in CCU right now under close surveillance. what if they can’t fix this? i’m so scared for her. she’s already been through so much. i can’t imagine what she must be feeling right now. she’s so scared. she just keeps saying over and over…’i could die. i could just die right now. any minute.’ what am i supposed to say to that?

i’ve been in a daze all day. it’s like it’s not real. the drive to the hospital yesterday. the countless hours spent in the waiting room. the people there. spending the night in the ER last night. waking up there this morning. the nurses and doctors and monitors and tubes….they’re all just figments of my imagination, right?

maybe i’m just delirious from the 4 hours of sleep i got last night…or maybe i just need a hug. maybe i need someone to realize that i’m sitting here crying my eyes out because i’m scared and i can’t do anything. and i just need someone to be here for me.

and there's no one that makes you feel like a someone...

someone told me last night that i should think of myself as special instead of weird. and as strange as this may sound, i guess i’ve never really seen myself that way.

i’ve always viewed myself as different because there was something wrong with me…not because there was something good about me. i always thought that the reason i didn’t have a boyfriend was because no one wanted me…i’ve always felt like i wasn’t good enough. i’ve never really thought about it any other way…like maybe they aren’t good enough for me.

he also said that ‘girls like me’ are the girls that get the good guys. and even though i’ve heard that before, something makes me want to believe him this time.

he made me feel good about myself…something that no one has been able to do for a long, long time. he also gave me hope. i was beginning to doubt either one was possible for me again. and for that, i am so grateful. i bet he had no idea.

girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. you know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills...

so i’m picky. i guess it’s what people refer to as ‘having standards’. whatever. i don’t know. i just know that no matter who people try to set me up with, i never like them. i always find something wrong. maybe it’s because they lack nunchuck skills…

but i think it’s because they don’t fit my list. i have a list that i keep in my Bible. on a pink piece of paper (might i add)…and when i started this entry, i was going to talk about that list and my reasoning behind everything on there…but i’ve changed my mind. i don’t think i’ll share my list with the unappreciative world. i don’t want to cheapen it by doing that. perhaps i’ll just wait and discuss it one day with whoever happens to actually BE that list. that way, i can explain to them why they are each of the things on my list.

besides, if i shared my list and someone else copied it, it would be good that they had that list but it wouldn’t be sacred to them because it wouldn’t be theirs. we all have to determine what we want and/or need. and we all have to determine whether or not we are willing to compromise in any of those areas. in my case, i refuse to compromise. the guy on my list does exist and i refuse to settle for less. he will win me over one day with his nunchuck & bowhunting skills & killer dance moves….i just know it.

mean mr mustard says he's bored of life in the district...

there is a recurring theme in my blogs. and i’m beginning to get worried. in case you don’t catch on to context clues, the theme has something to do with being bored with life…and never being satisfied.

i don’t feel like i’m totally alone in feeling this way. i feel like our whole generation has been made to feel like nothing is ever good enough. we have been programmed to always desire more than what we have. and never be satisfied when we get it.

and i think that there are many other people who, like me, don’t want anyone else to really know this is how we feel. i think that we feel like it’s much easier if we just hide things away…and not expose our true selves to the world. because if we’re not vulnerable, then we can’t get hurt….right?

of course vulnerability increases your chances of being hurt, but opening up to people also allows you to experience life without feeling like a shell of a person. it allows you to create rewarding relationships with people who genuinely care about you and want to experience life with you.

why do we build up walls around ourselves? have we become so scared of getting hurt and so afraid what other people might think if they really knew the real us, that we have to build our own personal fortress to keep them out? i don’t know…but i’ve done it. i did a good job, too. it took a long time for those walls to start to come down…and i guess they’re still there to some degree…they’re just not as tall or as thick as they were.

so, what are we supposed to do? when do we stop being bored? when do we stop being scared? when do we learn to trust people and open up to people and live life with reckless abandonment? how long are we going to wait?

someday i'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me...

do you ever just wish you could go back?

i wish i just had one more day…one more day as that little blonde-headed 5 year old whose big blue eyes were full of nothing but sparkling daydreams of castles and candy canes and cotton-candy clouds and fairy godmothers and prince charmings and loudmouth animal friends who lived in the forest in lands far, far away.

i wish i had one more day to live in total and complete innocence. before i knew that the world was a cruel place and when i thought that people were just supposed to be good ‘because God said so’. before i knew that boys and girls were, in fact, very ‘different’ and before i understood the need for keeping their bathrooms separate. when i didn’t understand why momma couldn’t ‘just write a check’ when she told me that she didn’t have any money.

i want to go back to the days when i could sit under the tree in my grandma’s yard in nothing but my underwear and make mud pies for my family all day and when it got time to clean up and go inside, be perfectly content with just getting sprayed off with the waterhose…

when chasing bees on the playground was an acceptable pastime and kindergarten wedding ceremonies were a common occurrence.

i want to fight with my bubba over who is going to sit on daddy’s ‘window leg’ when we go somewhere and beg daddy to let us ‘bail out’ of the boat at the lake ~ oblivious to the fish and snakes and funk that is lurking beneath the surface.

i want to ride my bike down our gravel road at full speed and not care when i fall and skin my knees or if my pigtails get caught around the spokes. i want to drink coffee with my grandpa and his friends and pretend to understand what they are talking about. i want to spend hours outside running around with my cats and dogs and laying in the grass reading books and making daisy chains and picking roses from the rose garden and being completely filthy from head to toe when it’s time to come inside and throw a bossy little hissy fit when it’s time to wash and dry my nappy hair.

i just wish i had one more day to go back to those times because i remember being happy then. i remember feeling totally free and never worrying about anything. now, i just feel so…responsible. i wonder if i’ll ever feel that way again…happy and free with no strings attached? i know that girl is still in there…i still feel her sometimes…begging to be set free. what will it take for me to be content? and who is going to help me find that place again?

and maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again...well i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. don't think so.

so if i learned anything over the past couple of days, it’s to value the special people in your life and to hold things loosely. we’re not guaranteed another day on this earth….as a matter of fact, we’re not guaranteed another 5 minutes. make sure the people you hold dear know how much you value them….don’t assume that ‘they just know’ how you feel. and don’t say ‘i’ll tell them some day’ because that some day might not ever get here. love people now. spend time with them now. live life now. while you can. and don’t place so much emphasis on ‘stuff’. material stuff is just junk. junk that doesn’t matter. cds, shoes, trucks, clothes, books, guitars (*gasp*), or whatever you collect or surround yourself with…it’s all insignificant crap. don’t spend so much of your time obsessing over acquiring so much material crap that you miss out on the best things in life…which actually aren’t things at all, but are other people. so get your butt out from behind this stupid computer and go spend some time with somebody you care about. spread some love and stuff. life’s too short not to.