...and God help you if you use voice-over in your work, my friends! God help you! that's flaccid, sloppy writing.

shut up. just shut up. i can't hear anything when you're constantly talking like that. the constant murmur and incessant chatter grates on my nerves and is so distracting that the blonde lady in the pink and black suit might as well be line dancing while singing happy birthday miss jones...instead of talking about....*sigh*...whatever it is she's trying to explain. i'm sure it's quite interesting. i was just thinking earlier that i was doing good today. i was doing so good. i thought that maybe this meant i was growing up. i listened and actually heard what the presenters were saying. i didn't daydream...not too much, anyway. and now....this. you just won't shut up. it's like you're inside my head...scrambling everything so that i can't hear anything or have a clear thought. that's what background noise is to me...it's like a scrambler. i can't concentrate on anything else when there's background noise. i don't even know what you're freaking saying....there's just an annoying sound coming from you. and now, i'll sit here. i'll sit here and squeeze my eyes shut trying to make you go away. then i'll open them and wait for the other people to stop shuffling papers and squeaking their chairs. and i'll continue to lose myself in the lights on the ceiling, the spots on the floor, and the faces on the wall. another meeting down the drain.

he walks on, doesn't look back...he pretends he can't hear her.

i think it's a bit ironic that we form 'coalitions'. and i think it's kind of crazy that we have 'task forces'. i think it's totally retarded that we sit around and waste our time (yes ~ that's usually what we're doing) sitting around a table...or in a big meeting room...discussing what problems we see in the places we work.

for instance...at the meeting today we discussed what a terrible problem child abuse is in our region. oh, and we also discussed the procedure that takes place when a report is made to child protection. what good is that doing to address the problem?

in the information given, we were provided with statistics of valid cases of child abuse that had been reported in the last year...broken down by parish. the statistic for the parish i work in was something like 40....while the neighboring parish was 120. both are rural parishes....so this doesn't make sense. this infuriates me. why? first off...because child abuse of any kind infuriates me. but secondly...because i don't think the cases in our parish are being taken as seriously as they should be and i don't feel like they are being investigated properly. i have addressed my concerns with the appropriate people, but i still don't feel any better about it.

...why not? because every night when i close my eyes i see their little faces. i see the ones that come to me crying because their mom pushed them down or burned them on the stove or with a lightbulb or slaped them across the face or did some other horrible thing to them...and none of them deserve it but they all think it's their fault. or i see the look in the 4 year old's eyes as he's telling me how his mother told him to 'never call her or call her house or come to her house because she never wants to see him ever again'. what can i say to these babies to make it better for them? i want to make it go away.

i want to do more than make it go away. i want them to never have to go through that in the first place. and yes...i know that meetings are the first step you have to take in order to get anything done, but i think that something productive needs to come out of these meetings. i'm sick of sitting around in our comfy new work clothes eating a catered lunch nodding our heads in agreement that there is a problem. i think we need to actually get out there and do something about it.

burning your city down

so i like actually have a valentine for the first time in like...forever. and i won't be mushy about it. i'll just say that i'm excited. and not because i want some stupid valentine's day present. i could care less about whether or not i get a gift. all i want is to be able to hang out with someone i care about that i know cares about me, too. i just want to hang out with him and talk and just...ya know...enjoy the moment. i won't ever have my first valentine again, so i want to be able to just sit there with him and look at him and know that there's nowhere else he'd rather be at that exact moment. that's all i need. i don't need flowers or candy or balloons or whatever people usually get and give on valentine's day. those all feel like they're given out of obligation and yes...they're nice, but unless the giver is also willing to invest his time...they're really meaningless.

so, if your favorite restaurant is overcrowded and you have to wait an extra 30 minutes tomorrow night...don't get frustrated and grouchy. that's extra time you can spend together talking and enjoying each other. don't be in a rush to get home and watch tv. just enjoy hanging out with your friend. and don't worry about gifts. the most important gift you can ever give someone is your time.

and if you don't have anyone on valentine's day...don't be bitter about it because they're out there looking for you, too. so, be thankful for that and celebrate it. it would be a shame if you ran into that person tomorrow and you missed your chance with them because all of your energy was focused on hating the day and what it stands for.

don't spend valentine's day mad. God said "above all, love each other deeply". i don't think He meant sometimes. He meant love everyone all of the time. so, enjoy tomorrow if you have a valentine and enjoy tomorrow if you don't. just go out and enjoy life.

science fiction

i have 18 wires attached to my head and 5 to my chest. they're all connected to these monitors and hooked up to different bulky awkward packs. i only have to do this for 24 hours, but it feels like an eternity has passed already. i have 3 1/2 more hours to go. i wonder what they'll find out. i wonder if they'll find anything...or if this whole thing will be pointless. for a whole 24 hours i will have been a walking science experiment and it will all have been for nothing.

i look like a freak and i feel like a freak. he still told me i was pretty anyways. i wonder if he really meant it or was he just saying it to be nice? i wonder what they'll be able to see on their little printouts? will they see when i was sleeping? will they see when i laughed? will they see when i thought something was stupid? or sweet? or sad? or will they see when my heart raced? will they see the innerworkings of my mind? or do i just think they will?

i wonder exactly how these monitors work. and wouldn't it be neat if we all had them...if we could just walk up to someone and push a button to get their printout. we would be able to tell exactly how everyone is feeling and what they are thinking about everything that is going on in their lives at any point in time. i mean...i guess that'd be cool. but, on the other hand...it would take the mystery out of life and i guess that would kind of stink. i mean, part of the fun of it all is not knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling...and then being able to find out. isn't that the big attraction to science anyway....the discovery?

and scars are souvenirs you never lose.

it’s sad. it’s sad the way we view ourselves sometimes. it’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment it starts…it’s more like a gradual movement. we all do it. we let little things get to us. and we tell ourselves we’re worth less than we are. and we say these things over and over until we eventually start to believe them.

i think sometimes it’s more difficult for girls to have good self-esteem than it is for boys. it’s almost like the world expects us to be down on ourselves. the world tells us we’re worth less than we are, and we totally believe all of the lies. we think if someone gives us a compliment that they are saying it out of obligation or ‘just to be nice’ and that they don’t really mean it.

then, when our self-esteem seems to be at its lowest is when alcohol, drugs, or sleazy guys come into the picture. maybe they don’t all come into the picture at once, but they will eventually work their way in. girls will drink or do drugs to ‘ease the pain’ or ‘make them forget’ or to ‘fit in’ or whatever. and then the guys will make them believe that they are the best they will ever be able to find and no one else will want them so they better just be content with whatever amount of ‘pity’ the guy decides to throw their way in the form of a ‘relationship’.

i used to feel sorry for girls like that until i let myself become one of those girls. and no, i didn’t let myself become one of those girls in every aspect of that scenario, but still it was enough to make me feel pretty worthless. i felt like i would never be good enough for anyone to ever love me and i felt like i should just settle for whoever would have me. i felt trapped. i really didn’t think i’d ever get out of that trap, but thank God i did.

it took me a long time to realize that i didn’t need some boy to decide my worth. i realized that i had to be confident in who i was and content with who i was before i would ever be able to be happy and in a healthy relationship with anyone else. and i was able to do that when i was able to truly believe that i am beautiful. and it doesn’t matter if no one else on earth ever thinks i am or ever tells me that i am. i know that i’m beautiful in God’s eyes and that’s all that matters. Psalm 45:11 says ‘the King is enthralled by your beauty.’ that doesn’t just mean He thinks i’m pretty. He’s captivated by me. how awesome is that? if i never capture anyone else’s heart, that’s okay…because i’ve captured His.

back when i was so down on myself and just kind of ‘going with the flow’ of whatever the crowd did or told me because i thought that was all i was worth…i’m sure i wasn’t too captivating then. BUT…He still thought i was. even though i couldn’t see it, He saw it. and He sees it in everybody…even when we can’t see it ourselves…even when all hope seems lost. it’s never too late to pull yourself up out of that trap. it’s never too late to see just how wonderful and beautiful you truly are. and it’s never a bad thing to know that you deserve the very best because you are the very best. but, you have to be willing to look up and believe it. i know i do.

and when i go there, i go there with you

sometimes life is hard. sometimes it's hard and we ask God for a lot...maybe even too much at times. and sometimes we might even think He's forgotten us. but guess what? He never forgets. and He always answers prayers. He might not answer them the way we think they should be answered and He might not answer them to fit in the time frame we have planned out. but, i promise He knows what He's doing.

a very long time ago i prayed that He would teach me how to be patient. it's taken literally years for me to learn that lesson because i wasn't very receptive to what He was trying to show me. i also have this list that i keep in my Bible. on it are written some of the main things i hope to have in a man some day...the same man that i've been praying for as long as i can remember. i would take out that list and cry because i wasn't even sure if he existed, but i would pray for God to send him to me anyway. i did this for years. and i couldn't understand why he wasn't magically appearing on my doorstep, flowers in hand, proclaiming his undying love for me. until that day...until that day that i realized he had already shown up in my life. he was already here...right under my nose and i didn't even realize it.

there is absolutely no feeling in the world like the feeling of an answered prayer. there's no feeling in the world like knowing without a shadow of a doubt that you are in God's will. and there's no feeling in the world like the way i feel right now at this very moment. thanks.