i don't understand a word you just said.

it’s so hard to work with children and teenagers. you never get the whole story from them and you have to piece things together from the scattered ramblings they present to you. it makes it increasingly difficult when you feel like you have bumblebees in your brain. and your stomach. and your knees. i sometimes find it extremely difficult to pay close attention to what they are saying…i tend to daydream a lot and my a.d.d kicks in. but, somehow i still manage to decipher what they say and piece it together enough to give them what they need. even so, i will admit today was probably my least productive day at work, ever. i don’t ever recall a day when i’ve been so preoccupied. and i didn’t mind .one. .single. .bit.

she dreams in color, she dreams in red...

it's that nervous feeling that you get in the bottom of your stomach right before you throw up. it's something like butterflies. it's when you don't know whether to be excited or scared or nervous or happy or what. it's the eager anticipation of the unknown. it's something like that.

but all the promises we make, from the cradle to the grave...

so, since i’ve effectively established and come to grips with the fact that i’m a chicken, i guess this is as good of a place as any to do this. you see, when i write here…i pretend that no one reads this. that way, i can write anything i want….well, almost anything. because, then i remember that there’s a chance that someone will read this and i don’t want to write anything that could incriminate me later. haha. so, with that being said, here’s a letter to you mister somewhereoutthere. i wish you knew how much i want to tell you this out loud.

did you know that boys can be beautiful, too? well, they can. and you are. as a matter of fact, you’re the most beautiful one i’ve ever known. even more beautiful than dave. yes, i said more beautiful than dave. see, i don’t really know dave…so my obsession with him is completely superficial. but you’re beautiful on the inside AND on the outside.

and the list? THE list? you pretty much are the list. i could rip up the list and replace it with a miniature version of you and it would serve the same purpose. except you probably wouldn’t like being squished in between those pages all of the time like my other list is. you are every single thing that i have been praying for my whole life.

and i didn’t want it to be you. when i realized it was, i was really upset. i thought you would be mad at me and you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. i was mad at myself for feeling the way i did and i was mad at God because i felt like He was playing a cruel joke on me. i felt like i was breaking the rules and you would hate me or something. but then i finally realized that your heart never, ever, ever contacts your head before it does what it wants to do. and i realized that nothing in life would be worth anything if it was all based on logic and planning. so, i threw my hands up and told God i’d listen to Him instead of fight Him about it.

but, i also told Him that if this was the way it was supposed to be…that He was going to have to tell you, too. so i would know that i wasn’t crazy. and this is where i am. i can’t tell you these things unless i know that He’s told you the same things that He’s told me. because if He hasn’t spoken to you like He has to me, then it’s not right and it’s not time. and this is where i am…and this is why i can’t tell you. because i don’t know what kind of conversations you and God have had about me or if ya’ll have even had any at all. and until i know that, then i guess these feelings will remain in my heart…waiting for the right time…and hoping that time comes soon.

i have so many things i want to tell you and nothing sounds right on this stupid blog. i’m mostly just writing it because it’s getting really lonely having this conversation over & over in my head. i just start rambling and, well, you know how i do. i guess the main thing i’m trying to say is…you’re perfect and you don’t see it and that’s what makes you beautiful.

i just wanted you to know.

what you feel is what you are.

so, i'm reading this book. i've actually had it for a long time and never picked it up. the book doesn't even belong to me. it's a book that c bought for j before they got engaged. he thought it would help her in some way. i laughed when she told me he got her a book...she has an attention span of like, zero. but, she read it...and she loved it. she gave it to me to read...and it's been sitting on my nightstand ever since. actually, it's been holding up my lamp. like i said...he got it for her before they were engaged...and they've been married since september.

anyway, i guess that's all irrelevant. the point is, i should've read it sooner. from the moment i started reading this book, i was blown away by how much the author's thoughts and feelings echoed mine. the more i read made me realize that i'm totally not alone. and it's not a bad thing for me to feel the way i feel. i'm not the only girl that's ever wondered if anyone besides my parents think i'm beautiful. i'm not the only girl in the world that's ever wanted more. women were created to desire intimate, intricate relationships. we were made to be part of one...and until we find that perfect partner, i think we will always long for what we don't have. but, what i've always had a difficult time grasping...and this book is helping me tremendously to do...is realize that i need that same kind of relationship with God. the same kind of intimacy that i desire here on earth should first be established with Him. i should be closer to Him than anyone. i don't have to wonder if i'm beautiful because He's already told me that i am. He loves me for me...every single thing about me. He loves my crooked smile and unruly hair. He loves my curvy pinky finger and ugly feet. He thinks i'm beautiful regardless of what anyone else thinks or says about me. He thinks i'm beautiful physically and emotionally. i have to believe that and take joy in it.

and once i do, i've got no reason to ever be down again. i should never feel alone again. i'm not perfect...i know that. and i know i won't always have good days. and i also know it's not likely that my prince will knock on my door tomorrow and carry me off into the sunset. but ya know, the more i think about it...the less important that seems to be now. if i know i'm loved and beautiful in God's eyes, then that's all i really need...anything else is just an added bonus.

girls ~ go get this book. guys ~ if you want some insight into women...get the book, too.


currently reading: Do You Think I'm Beautiful? ~ The Question Every Woman Asks...by Angela Thomas

when the lights burned out, then you pulled me out of the dark.

as of late, i’ve been accused of ‘disappointing the blogsphere’ because i don’t update as much as i used to. i guess it’s partially because i’ve been busier than usual, and it’s partially because i haven’t had anything to say. well, okay…i take that back. i’ve had stuff to say. and i’ve typed posts. but usually my posts start out okay and then end up way too personal to post for the entire world to see…so i delete them. so, i guess i have been writing…i’ve just been keeping it to myself because i don’t think you’re ready to see it just yet. today i came across something that i wrote a while back…it must’ve been at least 3 years ago ~ maybe even 4. it’s something i should’ve written in my journal, but i didn’t. i don’t know if i just didn’t have it with me at the time or what, but for some reason…it never made it there. so, i ran across it today and was like wow…i barely remember writing that. i figured i’d post it here…exactly as it was written…to share something personal. i guess in a way, i feel the need to make up for being a disappointment.

today was weird…or maybe i’m just delirious – i don’t know. i have had such an awesome week. it was so great to go to church every night and worship God with other people who love Him just as much as i do. it is just amazing to get so into worshipping God that you forget where you are and who is standing beside you and just get transported away, like the song says, to a secret place that only you and God know about.

my main prayer this week has been for my life to become a worship song for Him. that’s what it should be and it’s not. God has really taught me a lot this week. He has reminded me that i was put here for a reason – and that reason is to reach people for Him. as a Christian, this should be my first priority, but it hasn’t been. i’ve really been slacking in this area. another thing He has brought to my attention is that whatever i do – it should be to His glory – AND NOT MINE. sometimes it’s hard to remember that. i’m just so happy that God has been so awesome and so prevalent in my life this week.

last night at j’s house, we were talking to the girls about dating, love, and sex. we were going around the room naming off our #1 standard in looking for a guy…the one quality that they absolutely must possess. i didn’t really give it much thought because i figured i’d probably say the same things the other girls were saying – nice, respectful, funny, etc. however, when it was my turn, i said that he absolutely must have an overwhelming and obvious passion for God. i didn’t even think about it…it just came out of my mouth. after i said it, i thought…’whoa’. THAT’S why i’m so picky. people ask why i can’t find a man and now i know. none of the guys that are interested in me possess an overwhelming passion for God. which leads me to believe that i’m looking in the wrong places – or maybe i should just stop looking altogether. anyway, i have been thinking about this all day and i know that if i pray for him faithfully, God will send him to me when the time is right.

so, i was in a pretty cool mood when i got to church tonight. but when worship started, something didn’t feel right. i wanted to worship God with all of my heart, but something just felt a little off. then, i remembered that my Bible was open to a certain page when i came over from the fellowship hall before church started. i said – well, that’s weird – and c laughed and said – maybe God wants you to read that page. i said – yeah…maybe so and thought to myself maybe i had a bookmark there or something and that’s why it opened up to that page. the passage was Psalm 77 and God did want me to read it. it reminded me that not so long ago, i felt a extremely overwhelmed by life and was very bitter and depressed. then, i came across this scripture and it really impacted my life. the psalmist is crying out to God begging Him to hear his prayers. he can’t understand why God doesn’t hear him…he feels as if he’s been forgotten. sometimes i think we all feel the same way. we tend to forget that God is always listening…he always hears our prayers. and he always answers…sometimes we just get an answer that we don’t like. but the thing i like the most is that during the course of this prayer, he looks to the past as reassurance of hope for the future. i see myself reflected in this prayer. i’ve had prayers that resemble this prayer. and even though i don’t like being down and broken and crying out for help and feeling alone and forgotten, i am so glad that i’m quickly reminded that i’m actually not any of those things. and i’m not the only one that’s ever felt that way. and i will have hope because those before me had hope.

i’ve posted 2 days in a row…let’s not get too used to this…

take myself and i will be ever, only, all for Thee.

loss seems to be a recurring theme in my life these days. maybe not loss that happens directly to me, but indirectly. and it hurts me to see people that i love hurting. and it hurts me to know that i don’t know how to comfort them. it also hurts me to think that all the while they are suffering, i am still worried about minuscule problems in my life.

i hate that i am so selfish. i hate that i am worried about my work and my truck note and my apartment rent and my doctor bills and my clothes and my hair and my radio and my dirty room and if he’s ever going to notice me and my this and my that and blah blah blah. those things don’t really matter. i know God’s going to take care of me. He always has.

i need to love people more. i need to help them more. i need to listen to God more. i always ask Him for answers, but then i don’t shut up whining long enough to listen. i need to spend more time with Him and less time wasting time. i can’t be the woman He wants me to be and needs me to be if i don’t spend time with Him. and i can’t expect things from Him and not give Him anything in return. i don’t think it works that way.

so, that’s it. i want more. and i know what i have to do in order to get it. i have to give more. And i’m sorry that i haven’t been giving enough. i was blessed with a servant’s heart and i haven’t been blessing Him back by using it nearly enough. so, Father, forgive me for ignoring Your blessings and for ignoring Your voice. i pray that it never happens again. i love You.

i no longer know who i am, and i feel like the ghost of a total stranger.

why do we do it? why do we hide behind such silly things? as if it weren't obvious what we're doing. yet...that's the way the world works. it's just one facade after another. and why do we feel the need to disguise what we want...how we feel...what we really want to say...etc? because we're afraid of rejection...we're afraid of failure.

i'm probably the most guilty person of all when it comes to this...and every day i ask myself 'why?' i mean...i'm so jealous of the people that take so many risks and live life so freely. i think i need a little more of that. i wish i wasn't such a big chicken about everything. i mean...how will you ever know if you don't take the risk, right?

can you imagine if we lived our lives the way we really wanted to instead of the way we thought everyone else expected us to? who knows where i would've ended up after high school...it probably wouldn't have been college right away. and it probably wouldn't have been anywhere around here. as a matter of fact, i'd probably be doing something totally different right now. and it would probably include not having much of a salary...which wouldn't be very popular with the parents. (yes, they still have a large voice in my life...even at age 25)...

but i mean, seriously....think of how much happier we would all be if we just took a chance every once in a while. stop doing things so routinely and taking things forgranted so much. a lot of my friends have lost people they were very close to this past year and it's made me realize just how short life really is. if we don't do what we want to do now...and let people know how much they mean to us now...it might be too late. so i know it's late for resolutions and i know i said i wasn't going to make any...and i'm not. BUT...if i had to pick something that i wanted to do this year, it would be that...to take more risks and to make sure everyone in my life knows exactly how i feel about them. and sometimes that's a little easier said than done.

and i come on like a freak show takes the stage...

so this is me. kind of. it's actually pretty weird to try and draw a picture of yourself. i hope i don't really look like this. thanks to my good friend, mac...i will probably soon become addicted to the paint program and will be posting many more goofy pictures. stay tuned...if you dare.


my creepy self-portrait.

you are an important part of the computer.

i’m glad they can’t read my thoughts. the people with the wires and the magnetic waves and all. they can look around in there all they want…but they won’t get the good stuff. they might not find what they’re looking for…or they might tell me things i don’t want to hear. it doesn’t matter. nothing matters…because they don’t know. they’ll never know what’s going on up there, really. and it’s probably for the best. i doubt they’d be able to make much sense of it anyway. i mean…it makes perfect sense to me. most days. but, whatever. they’ll never know because they still can’t read my thoughts.

it’s a good thing.

...and i don't feel any different.

so this is 2005. funny…it doesn’t feel any different than 2004.

and you know it’s that time again. everyone has to make resolutions. i need to know why. every year we all have these lofty goals that we set for ourselves…and we never follow through with them. and if the promises we make aren’t kept…aren’t they really just lies, then?

me…i don’t make resolutions. because i know i’m not going to keep them. i lie to myself enough throughout the year…i don’t need to start it off with a big bunch of lies. i mean…i do have certain expectations, but never like…’i am going to stop doing this’ or ‘i am going to start doing that’. i’ve got enough other junk going on to waste time worrying about new years’ resolutions.

how about everyone else? anybody got any major changes they want to make this year? i have some things that i hope will happen…but nothing that i’m going to resolve to do. i guess i’ll just play it by ear and see what God’s got in store for me. i know it’s going to be something great. i can just feel it.